Ramblings and Ruminations

     Its been forever since I have sat down and written here. I let life sweep me up in it's arms and spin me around its dance floor at a dizzying pace. I have had so much happen since my last entry. I became a wife, and I became a mother. I became more mature than I have ever been in my life.
     Now, here I sit at the end of the year, well almost, I guess we have 3 days left. I sit here and I reflect on my last year. It has been the hardest year of my life. I have never felt so emotional , so driven, and so defeated in my life. I made myself goals and promises, some I kept and some I am hoping to see come to fruition.
    I became crafty in things I didn't think I would have time for anymore. I used this to reconnect with people I thought I had lost, and I walked away from people I never thought I could. I became stronger, I became more determined, and I became afraid of myself. I had no idea who I was becoming and that scared me. I was used to being the care free, goofball. Now I was responsible for so many lives, so many depended on me. A husband, and a son, and while that seems like a small amount it is intimidating to know that they rely on you.
    I became afraid of who I was becoming, because who isn't afraid of the unknown. I didn't want to lose that girl I once was, I knew part of her had to go. I couldn't go flitting off here and there on a whim any longer, but it felt like I was oppressing her because I felt like I had to put it all aside to be the one responsible. Bad things piled up and it fell to me to be the one who had to structure and be the one who was consistent. It was hard and it wore on me. I lost joy in so many things.
   When my son was born, something flipped in me. I would not be oppressed by all the drama in my life. I would not let him be raised by a mom who was sad, and down. I would give him that spark that special freedom of imagination that I had still locked away inside me. I sang silly songs, and told him goofy stories. I smiled even when I hurt, I smiled.
   Slowly I noticed, that he too smiled when he felt lousy, he laughed and giggled through stuffy noses, and coughs , and sore throats. Through sleepless nights we kept each other smiling. He was my key to unlock the silly girl of yesteryear. Soon, my phrase became , "Not my problem." and with a shrug of my shoulders I was off to sing my angel to sleep. Things still grated on my nerves and things still drove me over the edge, but with him I was able to be free for a moment.
    This coming year, I promise myself to do more laughing, more smiling, more writing and ore creating. I promise to share it more with you, and with all those around me. Here's to a new page in the book we are writing daily.